Hockey After...noon?: the "Follow Along With Pens Initiative During Game 5" Edition by @DXTraeger - PensInitiative | Pittsburgh Penguins Blog | Rumors | News

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Sunday, May 21, 2017

Hockey After...noon?: the "Follow Along With Pens Initiative During Game 5" Edition by @DXTraeger

"....Where Insomnia Hits the Ice"
(Welcome to "Hockey After Dark," a late-night recap of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  Topics will include scores, injuries, controversies, the Twitter-verse, and random jokes at the expense of the Philadelphia Flyers and Washington Capitals– especially their FANS!  I strongly encourage clicking on the links, they might have candy them!*  *No links contain candy)

Hard to believe, but this afternoon's tilt between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Ottawa Senators is only Game 5– haven't we been playing this team since, like, March?  Sure seems that way.

Join me and some other members of the Pens Initiative crew as we drink scream freak out watch how the game unfolds.  Say something snappy via the comments below or Twitter and I'll make you part of the conversation!

Hit "Refresh" early & often!

2:46 PM:  I'm watching the pre-game coverage, and the 'Ol Two-Niner is rocking one hell of a playoff beard.  Also, an ongoing WPXI poll has 65% of respondents saying that a 2nd Stanley Cup for Mike Sullivan would make him the best coach in team history. 

2:51 PM:  Rust is back....back again.  Rust is back...I'm a fan.  Seriously, Rust's speed and puck retrieval skills on dumps is only going to help the Penguins this afternoon.

2:52 PM:  Schultz is still out, Mark Streit has re-entered the fray.  Also, WPXI just mistakenly claimed that the Penguins are "Two wins away from a Stanley Cup."

2:55 PM:  WPXI's "On the Ice" camera is a bit foggy, makes ice level look an awful lot like the infamous "Fog Game" between the Boston Bruins & Edmonton Oilers in...what, 1988?

" a man...of Constant Sorrow..."

3:01 PM:  Speaking of "Boston Bruins" and "Infamous," Mike I WILL BEAT YOU WITH A SHOE" Milbury is in the studio.  Lucky us.

3:07 PM:  That promo image of Karlsson & Crosby made Karlsson look an awful lot like a younger Mark Madden, aka the Super Genius.

3:10 PM:  Remember America: Mark Wahlberg also gave us Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch

3:13 PM:  After the Christina Aguilera Star-Spangled Fiasco, should Jeff Jimmerson be the defacto voice for the Penguins forever, ala Kate Smith & the Philadelphia Flyers?

3:17 PM:  Unpopular (but correct) opinion: the Canadian National Anthem is so so so much better than the Star-Spangled Banner.

3:20 PM:  Just before puck drop: remember! Celebrate your own special way whenever Doc Emrick mentions the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Best/Worst Movie ever.

3:23 PM (17:32, 1st):  Bryan Rust makes his presence felt early, as Anderson denies a confluence of Penguin opportunities, game remains scoreless.

3:26 PM (16:15, 1st):  When I hear Emrick say "Cody Ceci," I immediately think of Pam & Jim's daughter from "The Office," but then I think of All-You-Can-Shovel cardboard pizza for five & change.

3:27 PM (15:45, 1st):  Senators escape an obvious "Too Many Men" penalty, Emrick makes a fantastic joke about Washington being allowed "100 of them" (100 Senators, get it?)

3:30 PM (14:30, 1st):  Every time Ron Hainsey is on the ice, I drink.  No, it's not a drinking game, he just makes me nervous.

3:36 PM (12:42, 1st):  Evgeni Malkin has been awfully quiet thus far.

3:37 PM (11:58, 1st):  The scoreboard at center ice shows Michael Keaton in the audience.  FANS GO WILD!

3:37 PM (11:46, 1st):  OLLI MAATTA OFFENSIVE JUGGERNAUT!  Maatta bazookas a Bryan Rust feed past Anderson, the Penguins lead 1-0!!!)

3:37 PM:  Seriously, Olli Maata is suddenly manhandling the Ottawa Senators.  What a plot twist!

3:41 PM (10:24, 1st):  Cullen takes an unnecessary tripping penalty on Karlsson, then Anderson makes a Trump-esque YUGE save on a short-handed Hagelin breakaway, and then Mark Stone gets sent off for a slash.

Stone is an excellent finisher, has given the Penguins fits before, but to this point in the series, he's been a non-factor.

3:43 PM: COMMERCIAL BREAK!  I'm not much of a gamer, but I want to know what the heck "Injustice 2" is all about.  Is it like Mortal Kombat, or is there a (very thin) plot?

3:47 PM (7:57, 1st):  Crosby makes a slick little deflection on a smart, low slap-shot by Trevor Daley, and the power-play tally puts the Penguins up 2-0.  Craig Anderson is looking an awful lot like Craig Anderson right now.

3:51 PM (4:23, 1st):  Following a brutal non-call on a diving Ottawa trip, the Penguins pinned the Senators back in their own end and


Absolute offensive zone dominance, and I hate to agree with Pierre, but this is a reverse Game 3.

3:55 PM:  COMMERCIAL BREAK!  .....and this ultra-depressing Volkswagon commercial sucks a bit of the energy out of the room.  Seriously though, good TV spot, even if it's weird that "Volkswagon" is selling "America" and Volkswagon kind of lied to EVERYONE about their cars for like a decade and stuff.

3:57 PM (1:43, 1st):  After pulling Craig Anderson for Mike Condon prior to the commercial break above, Anderson went back between the pipes, and just in time too:


Horrible, just no good goal allowed by Anderson to Scott Wilson (which is to say it was AWESOME) and the Penguins are throttling the Senators, 4-0.


4:02 PM:  End of the 1st Period, 4-0 Pittsburgh Penguins.

Some quick internet insights...

I couldn't possibly agree more.


4:15 PM:  The Bonino goal is now credited to Bryan Rust, which  means that Bryan Rust has 1 goal and 1 assist in just 4:21 of ice time.

4:17 PM:  The DC Comics movies haven't done much for me (I enjoyed "Man of Steel" more than a lot of people, including Kevin Smith), but I'm excited for "Wonder Woman."  The character is an absolute beast, hoping they get it right.

4:19 PM:  Craig Anderson does, in fact, get a birthday present from the Penguins in the form of a half-day from work.  Former Penguin Mike Condon in net now for the Senators.

4:23 PM:  I take my daughter upstairs for a nap, and I hear BRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMM!!!  Matt Cullen scores, the floodgates are officially open, call in the Coast Guard.

4:28 PM:  With the score now 5-0 Penguins, the only thing to worry about is, of course, injuries.

4:35 PM (11:46, 2nd):  ...well, injuries, and taking unnecessary penalties in the offensive zone.  The Senators go to the power-play following a high-stick to the face of Ottawa goalie Mike Condon.

4:36 PM (10:52, 2nd):  I haven't noticed Ron Hainsey at all this game.  EASILY his best game in the series.  Good on him.

4:37 PM (9:49, 2nd):  Senators putter around, get zero shots on goal with the man-advantage.  Even strength, Penguins continue to dominate Ottawa 5-0.

4:38 PM (8:45, 2nd):  Puck caroms out of play, and the Senators (namely Kyle Turris) start trying to mix things up.  That's a sign that Ottawa knows that this game's result is nigh.

4:39 PM:  COMMERCIAL BREAK!  I'm amazed that the two guys in the Sonic commercials never seem to age.  I genuinely wonder if Sonic just shot like 7,000 scenes with these guys in a three day span.

4:42 PM (7:40, 2nd):  RESCUE UPDATE:  I sent the following plea for help a few minutes ago, no response as of this second:

Guys, they're not. coming. for. you.

4:45 PM (5:30, 2nd):  Pierre reports that Karlsson is laboring on the bench, encourages that the Senators bench him a-la Craig Anderson the rest of the way.

4:47 PM:  COMMERCIAL BREAK!  I see that McDonalds has eschewed showing the guys in SCUBA gear in lieu of advertising their pico guacamole. 

Personal anecdote: I once ordered cole slaw on a sandwich from Sheetz.  I love Sheetz, I love their food, but I apparently hate myself, because I (quite predictably) got food poisoning.


4:48 PM (3:30, 2nd):  Karlsson retreats to the locker room.

4:50 PM (3:03, 2nd):  Pierre with a nice comparison between Wes McCauley and Jaromir Jagr (only two remaining people on the NHL ice from the 1990 draft boards)

Grim Rutherford, always on pointe.

4:53 PM (1:00, 2nd):  Officials clearly putting the kibosh on the rest of this affair, Wingels sent off for what's tantamount to a glorified face-wash.

4:55 PM:  END OF 2ND PERIOD, Pittsburgh dominating 5-0

4:55 PM:  Ladies & Gentlemen, we have our SECOND Doc Emrick reference of the Pittsburgh Pirates!

5:11 PM:  After stopping a potential flood of my own in the basement, I'm back to enjoying the game.  My apologies to the delicious beer sitting in the refrigerator: buddies, you just weren't needed today.

5:13 PM (19:48, 3rd):  We're underway in the third and final stanza!

5:14 PM (19:10, 3rd):  Kessel scores on the power-play via a between-the-legs feed by Sidney Crosby.  6-0 Penguins.

You know a game's a rout when your team scores in the 3rd period and you don't get excited.

5:20 PM (15:49, 3rd):  With the game's outcome determined, I've taken to developing new viral campaigns:

KesselMobile has a great ring to it, eh Steve Simmons?

5:25 PM (13:39, 3rd):  With Bryan Rust off for a dubious penalty (c'mon Rusty, you only need a fight for the Gordie Howe!  But, given what you're coming back from, don't do that, k?), the Penguins are looking to further infuriate an impotent Ottawa attack.

5:26 PM (12:45, 3rd): I just found out that the World Championships (starring Canada) are happening concurrently to this 6-0 rout.

I would love to see the TV ratings for this 3rd period.

5:28 PM (11:57, 3rd):  Officials are putting the clamps on this game, 4 penalties handed out in rapid succession.  Pittsburgh currently working the power-play with Kunitz, Phaneuf, and....some other Ottawa the box.

5:29 PM (11:11, 3rd):  MAKE A WISH, Y'ALL!  Penguins add the extra point with a Trevor Daley PP goal, Pittsburgh's third of the game.  7-0 Penguins over the Senators.

5:31 PM (10:12, 3rd):  NBC cuts to an extra commercial break ahead of the usual 10 minute commercial break, at least one more penalty being called (probably Cullen for a slasharooski).

Another viral campaign.

5:36 PM (7:44, 3rd):  Penguins kill off the power-play, Ottawa now 0-for-last-28.  That's, like, not good.

5:39 pm (4:40, 3RD):  Even deities are getting in on the fun.


5:44 PM (1:50, 3rd):  Senators muster a flurry of shots, all denied by Matt Murray.  Just over a minute to go for his first shutout of the 2017 post-season.

5:46 PM (1:10, 3rd):  Canada/Sweden in a shoot-out.  Canada might lose twice within seconds, very exciting.

5:47 PM:  It's over, and ELVIS HAS JUST LEFT THE BUILDING.  7-0, absolute joke of a game.

One final note: literally as time was expiring, Tommy Wingels threw a blatant, ugly elbow to the face of Scott Wilson.  Wingels seemed to know he had screwed up, big time, immediately after, standing awkwardly and trying to act as though his elbow had flown up and out on it own volition.

The Penguins now sit one win away from returning to the Stanley Cup Finals.

Get excited, folks.


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