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Thursday, April 6, 2017

The Birds and the Bees by @BrianK_PI

The Columbus Blue Jackets have a big green bee for a mascot named Stinger, presumably because "Blue Jackets" is almost the same thing as yellow jackets and it's damn hard to come up with a good Civil War-themed mascot. I mean, you could dress up some unpaid intern in what amounts to a giant silver penis and call him a cannon, but it's not the most kid friendly idea in the world.

This is Boomer. He was an actual thing. Seriously.

Granted, not every team can throw a giant, lovable Penguin into the stands and call it a day, but like everything else related to the Columbus hockey franchise, it's an underwhelming disappointment. After clinching a playoff berth for the third time in their 16 seasons, the Blue Jackets will look to win a playoff game to maintain their 1 win per appearance average. Grading on a curve, this actually makes them a slightly above average Ohio professional sports franchise since 2000. Go figure.

Iceburgh is playing a drum, because at a Stanley Cup parade you can do whatever the hell you want. It pays to win.

But while most long-time losers eventually become the "lovable loser" type, the Blue Jackets have managed to be largely irrelevant and largely unlikable, which actually takes a bit of talent if you think about it. Not the type of talent that wins hockey games, mind you, but it's still a skill of some sort, I guess. It's the type of skill that leads a team to trade a 2nd round pick for an unemployed coach a month and a half before the NHL got rid of compensation for fired coaches. But it's worked out for Columbus, because an asshole coach like John Tortorella was easily the best fit with a roster of asshole players.

Boone Jenner deserved this.
Which makes it even more amazing that something so benign as a double middle finger salute to Boone Jenner could get the attention it has. Sure, it got captured on the TV broadcast, but it comes with the territory when you proactively go out of your way to maintain your reputation as bunch of dirty pieces of shit. This woman is essentially the buckle up baby from the playoffs a couple years ago in 40 years all grown up, but not awful from the start and terribly overplayed.

He just saw the replay. Loved it.
Because watching the Blue Jackets try to cheap shot their way to victory, this woman has done something that probably every Penguins fan, and every fan of hockey in general, has wanted to do. Some do, some don't, and some have the beach ball-sized lady nuts that this woman has. (Don't get mad at me, I didn't come up with that. And I wouldn't mess with the guy that did, etiher).

While a fan of the Blue Jackets and their antics, he also appreciates a well-timed double bird flipping.

But while this woman publicly took a much deserved stand, it would be wrong to ignore all the silent heroes toiling in obscurity, seizing their moments without the TV cameras to document their good deeds for posterity. So we tip our hats to the trailblazers that made this woman possible:

Brandon Dubinsky came to his school. Not a fan.

Driving past Brandon Dubinsky. Probably tried to run him over too.
Brandon Dubinsky's grandmother, upon seeing her grandson.

Giving Jack Johnson his two cents. So that he'll have two pennies to rub together to stay warm.

Not a fan of Scott Hartnell cramping his style.

The Blue Jackets holding a team function at the zoo. 
A middle finger with a huge ring on it. Now that's just pouring salt in the wound.

"The William Hung of the NHL" - Simon Cowell
Surely a fellow joke of a franchise can empathize .... Well, that's a no.

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