Disorderly, Dumb, and Deluded; or, Why I Hate the Flyers and Their Fans (Vol. 1975) by @DXTraeger

Captain Claude "I Just Wanted His Police Baton" Giroux
 Sometimes, my genuine hatred of all things Philadelphia is transcended by my humanity, and for a moment- albeit only for a moment- I worry about the fans in Philadelphia.

Oh, I'm well aware that more than a third of the Flyers' fan base has stopped watching the team on television, and I know that the attendance at the Wells Fargo Center has been below capacity since the 2014-2015 season.

Alas, this active tuning-out gives me hope– hope that all Philadelphia fans may not exist in perpetual denial, believing that every year is 1975, and thinking that their Flyers are the envy of hockey fans everywhere:

"Hello Google.  What is the definition of a 'delusional fan'?"
Yikes.  On one level, it's forgivable, considering that a teenage fan in the Flyers' last Cup winning season, 1975, is probably on the wrong side of 50 and has a significantly better chance of developing dementia and forgetting about 1975 than reliving the glory days of disco and Bobby Clarke...but I digress.

My point is this: I hate the Philadelphia Flyers because their fans are miserable, clueless, and deluded beyond rational disbelief.  

For example- when someone is faced with bad or conflicting news, cognitive dissonance help shield the human brain from the devastating effects of painful reality.  In the case of Flyers' fans, it's not just that it's been 41 years and counting since the franchise's last Stanley Cup, it's the sobering prospect that nobody considers Philly's best players to be on par with the superstars in Pittsburgh...ha...haha...hahahaha...HAHAHAHAHAHA...

OH YEAH!  How could we ever possibly forget about THIS guy?!
Ah yes, so Sam Carchidi, clearly identified as "#notahomer" for the Flyers' team, claimed that for one week of universally panned games of playoff hockey in 2012, the Philadephia Captain had usurped the "Best in the World Crown" from Lord Sidney.

Carchidi has been mocked– relentlessly– for his molten lava take, but he's FARRRRR from the only culprit of exaggerating a Philly player.  In a fun game of "Just How Deluded Can One Fanbase Be?," I took to the Twittersphere, and the Flyers' fans did not disappoint:




To be fair, Mike Richards IS a better Beer League player than Crosby



Wait.  WAIT.  Giroux, Voracek, Backes, Larkin Nash, & GALLAGHER?




The tweet above deserves its own psychological case study.  I'm so confused by his criteria of what constitutes "better than Crosby" that I assume he's randomly naming movie characters, musicians, comedians, and so on.

For instance, "Larkin" has to be a reference to either Cincinnati Reds shortstop Barry Larkin or John Cusack's loquacious character Vince Larkin from 1997's "Con Air," right?   

He has a corpse with his name written all over it.
 The confusion doesn't end there, as "Nash" MUST refer to folk singer Graham Nash or former NBA great Steve Nash, because Rick Nash abandoned any and all rights to appearing in the same sentence as the word "great" unless "disappointment" immediately followed.  

Finally, our noted hockey analyst, @Girouxsalem, proclaims that "Gallagher" is better than Crosby, and for that, I really had to pull out the old Wikipedia.   At first, I thought "Gallagher" was a sly reference to the bad boys of rock & roll, Liam and Noel Gallagher (they of "Oasis"), but then I thought of another Gallagher...

No commentary needed.

...and you know what?  I'll give him that.  Leo Anthony Gallagher is a better comedian than Crosby, and undoubtedly has a higher watermelon smashing rating on NHL 2017, so fair play to @GirouxSalem.

Regardless, here are a few more cases of severe Flyers fan delusion:
Shayne "Healthy Scratch" Gostisbehere?


Ah yes, Danny "No Cups" Briere is Captain Clutch

In conclusion....Saturday's outdoor game at Heinz Field isn't going to mean a damn thing.  Well, maybe it will mean something to the Flyers, if they follow the Capitals' example and raise a banner for winning a regular season game.

At that point, Penguins fans will likely have to listen to Philly fans droll on and on about how the Flyers "own the Pens" and point to regular season games from 30 years ago as "proof."

When and if that happens, just smile and say "1975," and watch the veneer of their jeer slowly melt off of their face, because "1975" ain't no alternative fact: it's ancient history.

--Why do YOU hate the Flyers & their fans?  Post in the comments below, or share with @DXTraeger on Twitter!--

Share on Google Plus

About Michael Traeger

    Blogger Comment
    Facebook Comment

0 comments:

Post a Comment