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Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The Hilarious Failure that is the Philadelphia Flyers by @DXTraeger

"Uh...that's not a baton, Claude."  #NotAHomer (initial image credit: NewYorkRangersblog.com)
 The Pittsburgh Penguins and Philadelphia Flyers will square off tonight at the Consol Energy Center to renew their mutual hatred of one another.  The game, which will be spotlighted on NBCSports' appropriately titled "Rivalry Night" programming block, is sure to be filled with energy, fights, and general malaise.

For the Flyers, their season finale on April 11th can't come soon enough: the team will miss the playoffs for the third time since the 2004-05 lockout, and outside of the production of Jakub Voracek and Captain Claude Giroux, the season has been an unmitigated disaster.

You can start the finger-pointing (and laughing) with Giroux, who single-handedly (pun!) made the Flyers the butt-end (pun!) of every joke when he was arrested on July 1st in Ottawa for repeatedly grabbing a male police officer's buttocks.

Clearly, the word that stands out in the previous sentence is "repeatedly."

Ah, Philadelphia...remember this gem after the 2012 playoffs?


The gross inaccuracy of what Carchidi said is funny enough, but to add the #NotAHomer hashtag just helps his words transcend mere mortal delusion into the realm of "clinically batcrap insane."

Still, what's a Flyers fan (and make no mistake, Carchidi is one) to do?  He has to support his captain, even when his captain is the same Claude Giroux that got arrested for repeatedly grabbing a male police officer's buttocks, and yes the same Claude Giroux that was gift-wrapped the "NHL's best player" baton is also the same Claude Giroux that injured his freaking hand when golfing.

Okay, fine, so Sidney Crosby has Claude Giroux trumped in every statistical category imaginable but "Video Game Covers" and "Arrests for Repeatedly Grabbing a Male Police Officer's Buttocks" (...no, I'm not done repeating that).  It's not as though the Penguins, as a franchise, have thoroughly dominated the Flyers in individual NHL awards over the years....

Art Ross Trophies (Leading the NHL in Points):

Penguins:   15     Flyers:  0

Hart Memorial Trophy (League MVP as voted by Media):

Penguins:   7       Flyers:  4

Lester B. Pearson / Ted Lindsay Award (MVP as voted by the NHLPA):

Penguins:   10     Flyers:  2

Calder Trophy (best rookie player):

Penguins:  2        Flyers:  0

Vezina Trophy (best goaltender):

Penguins:  0        Flyers:  1

James Norris Memorial Trophy (best defenseman):

Penguins:  1        Flyers:  0

....oh wait, the Penguins HAVE dominated them in individual trophies.

Of course, the Pittsburgh Penguins have also captured the Stanley Cup three times, most recently in 2009.  The Philadelphia Flyers have won two championships, the last being in 1975...

...you know, before touch-tone phones had been invented, before the term "rap music" had entered the popular vernacular, and certainly long before the current generation of Flyers fans were even alive.

Speaking of the current generation of Flyers fan, their common (see: only) reBUTTAL (pun!) to the success of their cross-state rival is "at least we didn't go bankrupt twice!"

True, the Pittsburgh's management situation was terrible for the better part of 30 years, but in fairness, the Penguins were operating with a home ice facility that had been open long before the Flyers last won a Stanley Cup (and that was a long, long time ago).

So while Philadelphia has enjoyed economic stability, it's not because of a loyal and diehard fanbase.  Instead, owner Ed Snider is the current chairman of Comcast Spectacor....yes, a subsidiary of the very same Comcast that is universally (and annually!) loathed for their products and "customer service."

(and not to pile on Mr. Snider here, but he was a primary financial backer of the market-rejected "Atlas Shrugged" movies that tanked harder than the Buffalo Sabres)

Flyers fans used to like to talk about their attendance, but not so much this year: the Flyers have already posted multiple non-sellouts, but even before Philadelphians decided to stay home and skip watching their team lose, the consecutive sellout-streak was one-third the length of the Pittsburgh Penguins' current (and ongoing) streak of over 360+.

As for TV ratings...hah!

According to the Sports Business Journal, the Penguins led the NHL in local tv ratings for the fifth consecutive year in 2014, while the Flyers...well, the Flyers managed to lose 39% of their television viewers.

Take a moment to let that sink in: the Flyers lost nearly 2/5 of their Comcast SportsNet audience last year.

Needless to say, the next time you hear a Flyers' fan accuse the Penguins faithful of being fair-weather, uh, pot meet kettle!

Enjoy tonight's game, and always remember:

Death.

Taxes.

The Flyers not winning the Stanley Cup.





"......repeatedly grabbing the buttocks of a male police officer."  Oh man, it never gets old.

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