Hockey Porn or The Slot, The Stick and The Box. by @ChicksDigHockey


I'm very proud to be the featured writer this month on Pens Initiative. Things have been a little grim in our hockey world of late with injuries and a suspension. I thought I'd bring back one of my favorite posts from earlier this year to lighten things up. I had a blast writing this and I hope you'll have a laugh reading it:


Hockey has a language all its own. During the Stanley Cup playoffs we’ll see Neal be a sniper, Dupuis hit a slapper and Sidney Crosby will, at least once, go top shelf where Momma keeps the dirty magazines!

Did she say dirty magazines? Does she mean porn?




 Yes. If you watch enough hockey you’ll realize it’s riddled with pornographic innuendo. Some miss it while others are keenly attuned to the often innocent references. Putting “The Biscuit in the Basket” used to sound like an innocent enough Midwestern-type reference until I passed a couple in a passionate embrace in the concourse and heard him tell her just how he wanted to “Put his biscuit in her basket.” 

Another time, fresh out of college and in my first ‘Big Girl’ apartment, I invited friends over to watch a Pens game. Before the end of the first period, some had begun to pick up on the language. My friend, Jess would moan and make obscene noises every time the announcers said “Penetration” (a la Meg Ryan in ‘When Harry Met Sally’….yes, Yes, YES!). Another friend commented every time someone hot was sent to the penalty box, “I’d give him two minutes in my….” Well, you get the idea.

To fully explore how pornographic references are woven thru the fabric of hockey I’ve divided them into several categories:


  1.       Add “That’s what she said” to the end of it

There are many phrases that are innocent enough but if you add a wink and a nudge and say, “That’s what she said” after it, it becomes steeped in sexual innuendo. For example, during a game, Jeff Carter shoots the puck to the end of the zone behind the goalie and the announcer says, "Carter gets it deep". Innocent enough, right? After all he shot the puck deep into the Shark’s zone. However, let some joker give you a nudge and say, “That’s what she said” and immediately the picture transforms from hockey to clothes strewn about the room and Jeff Carter mid-thrust. Here are some other instant porn phrases, just add “That’s what she said” to the end:


  • His stick is so good

  • He’s got silky hands

  • He hammers one in the slot

  • Del Zotto couldn't keep it in

  • He was a little too quick and a little too hard

  • Callahan couldn't get any penetration up the middle

  • Nabokov does tend to go down

  • Deep penetration by James Neal 

   2 .   Oh come on!


The next category I call ‘Oh come on!’ One of the first verbs you learn to conjugate as a kid in grade school is come. Come, came, coming…right? Hockey seems to put a pornographic twist on that poor innocent verb whether we want it to or not:


  • Mike Milbury said of Dan Girardi: “He came with assertiveness.”

  • When asked what Pittsburgh did right in the series, Jeremy Roenick said, "They came extremely hard."

  • “Cooke coming hard to the crease” was yelled by Paul Steigerwald followed by, “He scores!!!”

  • "I'll bet it was mentioned in the room how hard Boston came in the last overtime," - Dave Maloney

  • "Ottawa kept coming and coming"

  • "Chara had no idea he was coming that quick."  (I hear that happens when guys get older)

     3.    The announcer said what?


You have to feel for the hockey announcers, color guys and those who do the interviews.  Sometimes you know things are moving so quickly and they’re talking so fast that some things are out of their mouths before they even know what they’ve said. And then there’s Pierre McGuire. Poor Pierre! Five guys could say the exact same thing but from his mouth it sounds, well….awkward.


  • Pierre to Eddie O, “Wood is good”

  • “The Rangers have to get better penetration of Tuukka Rask's five hole.”… Pierre

  • Pierre McGuire: "Kristopher Letang has such an active stick."  “Kristopher Letang loves to bang bodies”

  • "Everything has to be hard. Everything has to be deep. Hard is mentioned all the time when Babcock's talking."  Pierre McGuire

  • “Talbot tries to go backdoor on the wrap around but Fleury says no way”….yep, Pierre

  •  "Well we've talked about the wonderful stick that Logan Couture has." - Joe Micheletti

  • "Deep penetration by Neal and Iginla took a couple wacks at it" Bob Errey

  • "Take the body, ride it out, finish with intensity.” Mike Milbury

  • "Couple of things Jagr has going for him: a really long stick, good hands and he knows how to use both" - Glenn Healy

  • “Sometimes goalies do that, they take it in the face.”  Mike Lange

  • Kelly Hrudey on Shaw’s goal in the CHI/DET game "It's wide open for him to just shove it in.”

  • "Jagr in the deep slot. He wanted a change but he couldn't get off”. Doc Emmerick

  • “Zdeno Chara is so good at using his stick at its full extension.”  Brian Engblom

      4.       Too far gone


These are things that are said that really aren’t that pornographic but by now you’re just too far gone to let them go:

  • “Sidney Crosby finds the back of the net with a hard one timer He looks like he could do that all night.”

  • "You gotta wonder if Neal isn't eating some of Mrs. Malkin's Borsh"
  • Pens have scored twice during four on four(e) play"
  • "Kopitar's gonna have to get his stick in there quickly."
  • “He caught him under the chin with the shaft of his stick”
  • “He was banging his stick hard…he really wanted that puck.”
  • “Letang gets pipe.” 
  •  “Murray is a big boy when he makes contact he bangs you hard”
  • “Holy smokes! He went five hole hard and nearly broke his stick.”
  • "The boys are really grinding it out down there in the trapezoid” (It is more of a trapezoid than a triangle)
  • “Swallowed here by Niemi.”
  • “Penetrate,” Williams said when asked what the Kings need to do to generate more offense, “We need to beat guys to their net. We need to penetrate within their box.” 

My favorite hockey term gone bad is “Pulling the Goalie”. It was taught to me by a guy I was hot for. The first time I heard him say it I had no clue how ‘that’ could be appropriate in the sentence it was being used in. At the time, I didn’t know the guy very well but he was into hockey and I was doing my best to get him to notice me. Later, when I found out it was a euphemism for masturbating I about died. What had I said? What had I laughed at? I’m pretty sure I said once if he didn’t behave I’d have to pull the goalie! I shudder to think what he meant when he said he “rode the pine” all night!

So, the next time you hear that someone went backdoor on the goalie, got deep penetration or needs to control his stick it’s only hockey speak and not meant to be pornographic. However, if they pull the goalie there’s always a chance you may have to go empty net for the win.
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