Red Lamps and Goals by @ExcitedBobErrey


I am Claude.
Claude the Fraud.
I'm the greatest in the world!
Please do not applaud.


Do you like red lamps and goals?
I do not like them, said Claude the Fraud.
Would you score them home or away?
I would not score them home or away.
I would not score them any day.
I do not like red lamps and goals.


Would you score them from the crease?
Sliding the puck between the goalie's knees?
I would not score them from the crease,
Sliding the puck between the goalie's knees.
I would not score them home or away.
I would not score them any day.
I do not like red lamps and goals.


Would you score them against the Wings?
Would you score them against the Kings?
Not against the Wings, not against the Kings.
Not against the Pens, not against the Sens.
I would not score them home or away.
I would not score them any day.
I do not like red lamps and goals.


Would you, could you, five on five?
On an odd man rush, center drive?
I would not, could not, five on five.
I would not, could not, center drive.
I would not score them against the Wings.
I would not score them against the Kings.
I would not score them against the Pens.
I would not score them against the Sens.
I would not score them home or away.
I would not score them any day.
I do not like red lamps and goals.



Would you score them from the slot?
From the blue line on a slap shot?
Not from the slot, not on a slap shot.
Not five on five, not center drive.
I would not, could not, against the Wings.
I could not, would not, against the Kings.
I will not score them against the Pens.
I will not score them against the Sens.
I will not score them home or away.
I will not score them any day.
I do not like red lamps and goals.


Say, off a redirect? A redirect?
Would you, could you, score off a redirect?
I would not, could not, score off a redirect.
Would you, could you, score in an empty net?
I would not, could not, score in an empty net.
Not off a redirect, not from the slot, not off a slap shot.
Not five on five, not center drive.
Not a chance, when the action is live.
Not against the Wings, not against the Pens.
Not against the Kings, not against the Sens.


You do not like red lamps and goals?
I do NOT like red lamps and goals!


Could you, would you, score off your skate?
I would not, could not, score off my skate.
Would you, could you, score from Mark Streit?
I could not, would not, score from Mark Streit.
I will not, WILL NOT, score off my skate!
I will not score them from the slot.
I will not score them off a slap shot.
Not in an empty net, not off a redirect.
Not five on five or center drive!
I will not score them against the Wings,
I will not score them against the Kings!
I will not score them against the Pens,
I will not score them against the Sens!
I do not score them home or away,
I do not score them any day.


Claude the Fraude, could you just give it a try?
You look like you could be a red lamps and goals kinda guy!
Fine, I'll try red lamps and goals if you'll let me be,
I've got the schedule in front of me, let me see.
Edmonton's in town, that'll surely do the trick.
Even I can score on Devan Dubnyk.


Hey, I did it! I put the puck in the net!
That's the type of feeling I won't soon forget.
I like red lamps and goals, I like them a lot!
And to think that I've avoided them for naught.
I'd like to score them off my skate,
I'd like to score them from Mark Streit.
I will score them in the slot,
I will score them off a slap shot.
I want to score them against the Wings,
I want to score them against the Kings.
I want to score them against the Pens,
I want to score them against the Sens.
I want to score them again and again!
I want red lamps and goals home and away,
I want red lamps and goals every day!
Please, tell me now, how do I score?
I tried red lamps and goals and now I want more!


Well Claude the Fraud, I have some bad news.
To score in this league, you must pay your dues.
To score goals you must have talent and have skill,
To score goals you must have heart and have will,
And despite a video game cover you lack these things still!
I'm sorry to say that until you figure things out,
You're going to have to get used to the scoring drought.
It doesn't help that you captain a team that does nothing but suck,
with underachievers like you, Voracek, and that red headed fuck.
That being said, good luck and I bid you adieu.
Get better at hockey, or no red lamps and goals for you!

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