It’s me, Hockey Chick. I know we don’t talk as much as we should but hockey season starts this week and if you could give me a few minutes of your time, I promise to not covet my neighbor’s house, his ass, his manservant nor anything that belongs to my neighbor.
You see, it’s about the Penguins. Not the cute ones who waddle around in the arctic cold but the mighty ones who skate around in the CEC. Despite having assembled a team rife with talent our Pens ended last season on an embarrassing note. We turned our eyes toward heaven many times during the Boston series and cried out, “WHY??” We accused you of forsaking us when Fleury faltered in net. We demanded that you damn it when our pucks were stopped by Rask in the same fashion your son walked on water. We may have been a bit harsh.
We’ve had a summer to cool our jets and rethink our accusations that you played favorites and endowed some with unfair advantage. Hello! Krejci played out of his head, was that you? We apologize for foiling your plan to send Jerome Iginla to Boston and hope you’re pleased that has been rectified. We ask forgiveness for all of the “In Shero We Trust” tweets after our GM, who apparently made a deal with the devil, and went a little crazy at the trade deadline. You’ve noticed we gave back everything we horded except for Jussi Jokinen and let’s face it, we considered him a gift since they essentially paid us to take him. We now realize we may have been greedy and a bit demanding of your grace. So, it is with a humbled heart and a renewed hope for the quest for the holy grail…er... Stanley Cup that we bow our heads and start the 2013-2014 season with a prayer for our Penguins.
Dear Heavenly Linesman who understands hybrid icing with perfect clarity; please bless our skates with swiftness, our pucks with accuracy and if Brooks Orpik ever launches a rocket again, we pray that it not find the mouth of your anointed one, Sidney Crosby. Please send our warriors over the boards with the swiftness of gazelles and the smoothness of Kate Upton's skin so that we not get called for too many men on the ice and thusly cause our Coach, Dan Bylsma to blow a gasket.
We ask not only that you smile down on Evgeni Malkin so that he plays up to his potential but that you anoint his nostrils with Afrin so that he might breath thru his nose and not always look like the lights are on but no one’s home.
If it pleases you, could Kris Letang finally get the Selke monkey off his back? He who you have endowed with the locks of Sampson needs to realize the Point isn’t just a fountain downtown, it’s also the place he needs to dominate on the power play.
We ask your forgiveness as we now realize you gave us a winger for Sid long ago but we didn’t embrace him as your choice. It wasn’t until you blessed him with speed that defies his age and a shot that would make Rob Brown wish he had played on a line with 87 and 14 too, that we recognized his name. We shout it with glee “Duper, Duper, Duper!!”
We ask that Kunitz continue to score the dirty ones around the net but plead with you that half of his goals not be called back for goalie interference. That Martin stay healthy and be the shut down defenseman he was meant to be, Craig Adams continue his career as a stalwart penalty killer and that you reveal the mystery of Tanner Glass.
We thank you for returning "The Piece" to his rightful place on our D line. Shero has admitted he erred when he let The Piece slip thru his fingers but order is restored as Scuderi defends Pittsburgh ice once again. We join you whole-heartedly in the greeting, “May the Piece be with you; and also with you”.
We have faith that by changing the dimensions of the goal and shrinking the goalie pads that you will once again favor your son Marc Andre Fleury. We ask that you return his glove skills, vision and gumby-like agility to the days of March 2013 when he could do no wrong. We ask that you plant him firmly within the blue paint as he tends to become brain dead every time he goes outside that hallowed ground.
Your obedient servant who you promise to be “The Real Deal” sacrificed himself on Mount Roberts this summer where he sweated for our sins and ate only mung beans, grub worms and goji berries so that we might be forgiven for our cocky confidence. We ask that you reward him with the passing ability of Mario, sniper skills worthy of James Bond and the continued uncanny ability to understand what the hell Geno is talking about.
We ask for wisdom regarding the one they call the Sunshine. As his acne clears and he scores more we struggle with where to stick him. It would be a tragedy if we stuck him where the Sun don’t shine. Please heal the leg of Tomas Vokoun and forgive those who would spread the vicious rumors that the Pens have interest in Bryzgalov in his absence. That would be a humongous bad move.
We pray for your love and protection for your anointed one, Sidney Crosby who has suffered much for his place in your favor. Please protect his brain that it not be concussed this season for we fear one more major concussion and he may end up stuffing envelopes for Mario’s Foundation. Strengthen his jaw as you strengthen his shot. Please restore Sid the Kid to the pinnacle of the scoring race so that he may once again laugh in the faces of those who would call him “Cindy”.
We thank you in advance for 82 wins because anything less would send all the Yinzers into a tizzy .
This we ask in Mario's name, AMEN .